Electro Stimulation an Update

A few years ago, I was introduced to the use of TENs units. I had some elbow pain and my massage therapist offered to try transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS). Sure enough, the pain subsided and after two treatments I was painfree.  At some point, knowing that I am a sex therapist, she mentioned that various people were using these TENS units to bolster their sexual experience. 

Intrigued, I began researching and discovered that there were several manufacturers of "Electro-simulation" units designed more specifically for sexual stimulation. While similar to TENS, there are significant differences. More and varied pulsing, levels of excitation, some even follow voice commands. While TENS units almost always use electrode pads of one sort or another, Electro-stim units also use specially contructed dildos, penile clamps, and "butt plugs," as well as the more common square adhesive electrodes. The variety seems limited only by the creativity of users and designers.

I discovered that there were three or four major manufacturers as well as a host of also-rans, most of whom merely repurposed TENS units by relabeling them. Two companies actually provided me with complete kits so I could test them, write a review and publish. Those two, ElectraStim from England, Erostek from California, would have been accompanied by a third, PES, now from Las Vegas, however PES was in managerial transition or so I was told and my request for information did not get a response.

The result was amazing. I recruited both male and female testers and we put those two systems through their paces. You can read the results on Joan Price's blog with a somewhat longer report here.

Since then Electrastim has supplied me with more attachments and products as well as their much upgraded Sensavox and I've published reviews in several venues as well as presenting E-stim to professional sexologists and sex therapists.

Erotic Massage

Erotic massage has an image problem. Too often the image it brings to mind is one of sleazy prostitution places masquerading as legitimate massage parlors.

But for many couples, erotic massage continues to be a private and loving experience; a gift that each gives the other.

Erotic massage is actually very simple. Nothing mysterious about it. If your repertoire includes skill in caress and gentle touching as part of your foreplay, you have the basics down.

Before you begin, have a supply of lubricant in a non-spill container. While baby oil or olive oil will do fine, if you think you may use either a condom or a latex/rubber based toy of any kind, oil will destroy it. It is probably better to use a water-based lubricant like Astroglide or Shibari. You will use more of it as it eventually dries up and more must be added, but it is safer for latex, rubber, or even silicon toys. (There was concern at one time that using oil to massage the vulva would encourage infection. That has been shown to be wrong.)

Begin with a sensual massage to wake up all the nerve endings in the body. This gets the massagee’s nerves to wake up and begin to be more alert. As you continue, just change your strokes to caresses. Be aware of any signals you get from your partner.

No suggestions I make here are cast in concrete. Erotic sensations are very individual. One man has sensitive breast nipples, but another feels nothing. One woman has strong erotic sensations at the back of her knee, another almost cums from having her earlobe nibbled. You need to discover your partner’s peculiarities and preferences.

So here are some starting points.

Begin with light touches of areas that are not immediately thought as sexual.

Caress your partner’s neck, shoulders, trunk.

Be very patient and gradually move to massaging around the breasts without touching the area near the nipples.

Move away and massage her waste. Nibble her ear. Kiss her forehead.

If you have begun with your partner face down, caress the buttocks, kissing it and the area near her or his anus. Those are frequently very erotic on both men and women.

If you have been massaging the front of his body, it may be time to go back to the breasts and gently kiss and nibble the nipples and the areolae. Many men are not aware of just how much they can enjoy having their breasts caressed and massaged.

For women, less often for men, the back of the knee is frequently a very erotic location.

Of course you can gradually caress the inside of the thigh, moving up from the knee toward the groin.

Another area to explore is the perineum, that area between the scrotum and the anus. If you are massaging a woman, it will be the area just below the labia extending to the anus.

If you have been working on your partner’s back for some period, it will be time for her to turn over and work on the front. For some women and for some men, the belly button is an object of erotic sensitivity.

All this is only a small part of the options available. Each person is somewhat unique. Half the fun of erotic massage is exploring your partner’s body. But the other half is telling of your love through touch.

There is no “correct” amount of time. Spend 15-30-45 minutes. Then begin to gradually approach the highly sensitive inner thighs and finally the genitals. By this time, your partner’s genitals will probably already be highly aroused.

If your partner is a man, don’t lunge for the “gearshift.” Spend a little time caressing and kissing his scrotum, his balls. The back side of the scrotum is usually very sensitive and filled with pleasure. But be aware of his level of arousal. You likely do not want to have him cum before you are both ready. So let him tell you when to back off.

Here’s a trick that you can use to extend his, and your, pleasure. We call it the squeeze technique.

Place your thumb and fingers directly below the glans (The rounded part of the tip of the penis). Then squeeze the penis firmly between your forefinger and your thumb. Hold the squeeze for about 30 seconds. This almost always will stop the ejaculation reflex. It may also stop the erection. Both of these will allow for more pleasuring, kissing, rubbing, which will bring back the erection, of course. The squeeze can be repeated several times depending on the man. This won’t work forever. With continued pleasuring, eventually, ejaculation becomes inevitable.  But you can choose what to do at that point, either just enjoy watching or assume some position for penetration or any other option. (People have become very inventive.)

It is very different if the massagee is a woman. Some, but not all men can have multiple orgasms without ejaculation with training, but most don’t. This means that there may be a lengthy “refractive” period before they are able to have another erection or ejaculation.

Women are more frequently multi-orgasmic.

If you are giving erotic massage to a woman, be very gentle. Spend some time caressing the labia. You will need to follow her direction if you want the rest to be pleasurable for her. Women differ greatly in the amount of pressure they enjoy on their clitoris. Some want no touch of the clitoris but only of the clitoral hood. Similarly, women differ on the pleasure they get from touching other areas within the inner labia. Some welcome a lubricated finger inside the vagina, but some find that intrusive until final arousal. One difference and only your partner can tell you, is whether they have a g-spot. It depends on the position of the clitoral bulbs; their proximity to the vagina. So you cannot make assumptions.

Since women can often have multiple orgasms, there is a fine line between getting most pleasure and the touch becoming even painful. Just as men need to inform their partner of approaching ejaculatory inevitability, so too a woman needs to communicate about the pleasure level and when it may become “too much.” If you are not sensitive to other signs, it would be well to establish some kind of hand signals.

Finally, remember that there is no absolute goal. Erotic massage may lead to intercourse or it may not. It is to be enjoyed for its own sensations. Watching your beloved simply revel in the pleasure of the love you have shown is its own reward.

 

Sensual Massage

 

The basic loving massage we’ve already explored and practiced is the core, but we can go to deeper levels of intimacy through massage. Sensual massage and erotic massage are the pathways to those deeper levels.

What does that mean? There are two kinds of sensation that we feel. There is exteroception, our sensation of our encounter with the outside-our-body world and interoception, our awareness of our insides. For example, if your partner is massaging your shoulder, you can feel her hand, its warmth and strength, the strokes. That is exteroception. But, at another level, you also feel your own muscles and nerve endings. That is interoception, also sometimes called proprioception.

Why is this important? It explains the mind-body connection which is so valuable. Very often, we store and trigger emotions through interoception. Nowhere is this awareness more important than in massage. For long years, some therapists would talk about storing emotions in our bodies. Nowhere more obvious than how when we are stressed or angry and we wind up with sore shoulder muscles. More traditional psychotherapists used to reject the notion, but as we have learned, there really is a phenomenon to which the somatic therapists were pointing.

Sensual massage goes beyond kneading muscles to sensitively touching our partner’s interoceptive nerves. As we simply hold another person, the partner, often outside direct awareness, finds comfort and perhaps joy in that touch. This is the basis for sensual massage.

We begin with regular massage, focused on exteroception, but we transition into gentle pressures, releasing good sensations, positive triggers of interoceptive nerves. Often there is a bonding in this. The massager and the massagee feel an enhanced sense of belonging to each other; not sexual, but just an awareness of a strong connection. This principle can be applied, for example, between a father and his child, between a mother and daughter or son. As the massage progresses, each feels closer to the other. (In fact, the best neo-natal medical practitioners are encouraging just this kind of bonding.)

Sometimes it is the child giving the massage. It is a way for the child to feel close and valued. In our society, we have become very sensitized to the possibility of incest; it is difficult to get beyond that fear, but given the value of sensual massage, we really would do well to carefully set aside any sense of sexuality and free ourselves to both give and receive sensual massage.

Of course, we normally, in sensual massage, avoid the most common erogenous areas, especially the genitals and, depending on the person, the breast nipples, both usually erogenous. (If there are repeated “accidents”, that may be a reason to terminate the massage and discuss the problem. There may be a deeper trust issue, a violation of the agreement; don’t sweep it under the proverbial rug.)

Even with a love partner, sex is not the purpose of sensual massage. We may get there and move into erotic massage with a partner, but it is not the focus, bonding is.

All sensual strokes are generally done with more gentleness than in basic loving massage. We are not trying to loosen muscles but to trigger the interoceptive nerve endings of the body. Stimulating the nerves in the abdomen or in the lower back takes a more focused touch. (There is s a whole interoceptive nervous pathway.)

Both the giver and receiver must clear their minds of other thinking and be gently aware of the receiver’s interoceptive system of nerves and sensations. That is why sensual massage is rarely done during a first massage. You need to have at least one or two previous massages to be ready to let go of thoughts. “What am I supposed to do besides lie here?” “Should I talk?” “It feels strange to have someone’s hands touching my body.” “What if I fart?” “What does she think of my flabby stomach?” “I can’t stop thinking sexual thoughts.” “What would my Momma say?”

It takes most people at least a couple experiences of massage with a partner to become relaxed enough to benefit from sensual massage.

Gently give and gently receive. Do not intentionally touch erogenous areas—and if you accidentally do, simply move on without discussing it and taking focus away from sensuality.

To sum up. Begin with basic loving massage. Then deep but gentle touch. Mentally focus on the interoceptive nerves.  Quiet the thoughts.

Basic Loving Massage

Learning to be a professional massage therapist requires many hours of training and practice, memorization of anatomy charts and much more. But doing massage for your lover or even for your child or friend need not really be that complicated. Every gentle massage stroke can help loosen muscles and relax the person’s body.

Naturally, the more you learn the better, but I’m troubled by the number of folk who are reluctant because they’ve been intimidated by the mystique of massage. Learning a couple of basic strokes can’t hurt, but even just a vigorous rubbing or kneading is a worthwhile start.

When we move into sensual and erotic massage, there are a few more things to learn. But even those are not complicated and they quickly make sense.

Those are the main three kinds of massage that lovers do. Basic loving massage is a great gift when your friend or loved one comes home from a hard day at work. Sensual massage is a next step when you want to be close and even get the tingle of loving touch, but you are not really, for whatever reason, ready to be downright sexual. Erotic massage doesn’t have to end with orgasm, but it very often does, for either or both persons.

Let’s start with basic massage. 

The only tools needed are massage oil and an oil proof blanket or sheet. It needs to be soft, but also not soak oil through and into whatever it is resting upon.  As to oil, there are many different oils that can be used. Various nut oils are available, olive oil works well, but one of the most common good oils is baby oil. It does not soak into the skin as much which is either good or bad depending on your desires, but it works well, a little goes a long way and it both smells and tastes good if accidently tasted.

Massage can be given on a massage table, on the floor, the bed or even on a kitchen/dining table if it is large enough. Lay some blankets on the table to give it some cushion. The person receiving the massage lies either face down or face up depending on the couple’s preferences. Because the most common need is to massage the shoulders, neck or lower back, I usually find myself massaging the back first. This is a good time to remove all jewelry including contact lenses. Also ascertain if there are any tender areas or any other physical ailments of which to be careful.

My experience is that people most frequently want their back massaged first. If the receiver has specific requests, those are the places to begin. You need not spend all your time there, but at least address your partner’s concerns. This is often the lower back, but also frequently shoulder muscles are sore. Gently but firmly feel for the muscle and knead it carefully. As you proceed you will discover just how much pressure your partner can handle.

If you already know some massage strokes, go ahead and use them as appropriate, but even just kneading the muscles will do a great deal to make your partner a happier person. Beginning with the neck and shoulders work gently down through the shoulders and the arms. Pay attention to the wrist and hands. There are 34 hard working muscles in each hand. You can’t grab each one but massaging between the bones of the metacarpals on both the front and the back is quite delightful.

Now follow down the back, kneading each muscle or muscle group. Be careful not to put undue pressure on the spine. In fact it is better to put no pressure directly on the spine, though on both sides should be fine. Continue with whatever stroke feels good to both of you until you get to the buttocks and hips. Continue the kneading or other stroke, but with more vigor. The muscles and fat of the buttock can stand the pressure and it will feel pleasurable.

Next are the legs. The front of the legs have some muscles, the back of the legs harbor more. The backs are especially susceptible to the dreaded charley horse, usually in the calf of the leg. Taking care of a charley horse is beyond this article, but you can get hints on WebMD, etc. Still a sore calf muscle will really benefit from a thorough kneading..

Finally, don’t forget the feet. There are more than 100 muscles and 26 bones in each foot. Like with the hands, you can’t really massage each muscle, but you can get the bigger ones and you can rub between the bones—gently.

After finishing your partner’s back, you can either ask them to turn over—or—I usually say, gently, that “You can lie there as long as you like or turn over whenever you feel ready.”

I am not going to do a full description of massaging the front of your partner’s body. It is not really all that different from the back with a few exceptions. First, treat the face with gentleness. All the edges of the face and jaw bones are places that feel good, but can easily feel bad if treated harshly. The front of the neck is quite vulnerable as well.

Another area of difference is that directly massaging the breasts is fine, but it may carry sexual overtones in our society. Still, if you wish to massage the muscles of the chest, called the pectoralis, they are behind the breasts in that area. They cannot be massaged without massaging the breasts—and then only a little.

Finally, and this is where massage professionals fall into faddism and mythology. Some massage professionals will tell you to massage the stomach and abdomen in a clockwise direction. Others have good reasons to recommend a counter-clockwise. The truth is it really doesn’t matter. You might hear that you can back up the colon if you go counter-clockwise, but you are not going to be putting that much pressure to actually back things up. Still, those whose teachers taught one way or the other make much of this.

Now you have the rudiments to give a very delightful and healing massage. Is it as good as a massage therapist? Of course not. But it is delightfully pleasant, relaxing to tired muscles and a way of saying “I love you,” without being deeply sensual or erotic. It is also the base from which to build sensual or erotic massage, which we will cover in the next articles.

The Pleasures of Erotic Hypnosis

“I want to spice up our sex life. It has taken a beating in the last few years as we’ve grown older.”  “Someone told me about erotic hypnosis and I’ve seen ads on the Internet for DVDs that give you an erotic hypnosis experience.” “Let’s invest in some DVDs. We deserve it.”

“But wait a moment. I just did a Google search and there are 539,000 sites offering erotic hypnosis. And the prices. . .  all the way from $29.95 to $1495.00. Ya gotta be kidding.” How can we know which are legitimate? Clearly some are not.” “And the descriptions vary wildly. In fact, let’s think about this. What is erotic hypnosis?  In fact, what is hypnosis?  Are we going to be controlling each other?” “I went to see a Las Vegas show a few years ago and there was a hypnotist on stage who got a woman to strip to her underwear. It looked like he could even have gone further. Are we trying to do this to each other?” “I love you and I want good sex with you, but I want it because you want it. I don’t want to force or control you.”

Not to worry. Hypnosis can be used to control people, but only up to a point. That Las Vegas show hypnotist had to be using a shill, someone he set up before the show and who would be willing to pretend to be hypnotized. How do I know that? Because you cannot be controlled with hypnosis to do things that violate your own standards and morals. (It might be possible for the hypnotist to convince her that she in her bedroom, about to take a shower. But even then, there’s a very high likelihood that her conscious mind would pop in and take her out of hypnosis.)

Light hypnosis is very easy to learn and do. It doesn’t need all those training DVDs or pre-written hypnosis scripts that cost so much. We hypnotize ourselves regularly. When you lose yourself reading a novel and can’t hear the noise from the next apartment, you have hypnotized yourself.

Now just imagine that you are with your partner. You speak to him in a soft, gentle voice, imploring him to lie quietly on the bed, and just pay attention to your soothing voice, let all other thoughts wander away. You tell him to relax completely. Maybe you start with verbally relaxing his feet and then work your way up to his neck and face.

When he is relaxed, you begin to share with him, what you really want him to do with you. Or, depending on your level of sex talk, you tell him how much you admire his cock. You mention how you love to lick his nipples. (And whatever other parts of his body you know from experience are erogenous.)

Perhaps eventually you go back to talking about his penis, and even if he has erectile difficulty often, you tell him how want to take it into your mouth and lick it all over. You describe what that feels like to you and what it feels like to him. Now you tell that you are anticipating his fingers on your breasts, or on your clitoris; maybe even describe the feeling for each of you of his fingers inside your vagina stimulating your g-spot. Perhaps you describe the feelings along the way as he proceeds to pleasure you.

Eventually, you tell him that he will see, and hear as you have one or multiple, orgasms. Describe what he will experience. How delightful that will be as much for him as for you.

Now, you can begin actually touching and feeling and acting out all the behaviors in the hypnosis. You will likely discover a much greater responsiveness. The more you practice this with him, the more effect it will have.

One key to success is to write a script. It must be positive and include suggestions about actions that the two of you enjoy and consequent emotions. On the other hand it would best not include negatives, prohibitions, and instructions to not do this or not do that or not imagine certain things. The pre-conscious mind tends to take all suggestions and translate them into actions, most often ignoring the negative command. The specifics of this “hypnosis script” will vary, depending on your relationship and what you have learned to do with each other.

Of course the whole thing will also work in reverse with him being the hypnotist and the script being more about you. Give him lots of hints, especially if he does not already know all your erogenous areas. It does not diminish the value if you write the scripts together, but in actual delivery, it is best to alternate rolls, hypnotist and hypnotized.

Does all this sound like “erotic hypnosis?” Well, it may well not be all that hype has led you to expect. But it is hypnosis if the other person is willing to let go. The conscious mind will subdue itself and allow the pre-consious full reign. On the other hand, if either of you is resistant then the conscious mind will try to stay in charge and not cede control.

If you meditate, especially mindfulness meditation, you might think this is meditation. There are similarities. As a meditator myself, I see hypnosis of this kind as existing on a spectrum from full conscious awareness through meditation, then this light hypnosis and on to depth regressive hypnotherapy. Deep hypnosis and therapy requires extensive training and leads to degrees in mental and emotional health doctorates with years of internship.

This is light erotic hypnosis and a good place to start. I will follow up later with more and deeper erotic hypnosis for those who choose to experiment with this.

This is not one of those commercial products that promises instant control and instant ecstatic orgasms. You may decide, after giving it several satisfactory tries, that you want to spend the money and buy a $995 DVD set. I’ve looked at many of these products and been unimpressed.

*If you want to know more about hypnosis, The Idiot’s Guide to Hypnosis is a pretty good book. I am not fond of the title because neither you nor I are idiots, but the content is pretty good. (Not so, The Dummies Book on Self Hypnosis.)

Masturbation!  There. I said it!

Probably no other common activity carries such a burden of shame and guilt as masturbation. I said “common” activity because it is reliably estimated that 90-95% of men masturbate at least a few times a month. Most do it weekly to daily. The estimates for women are lower, but even for women it is over 50%. It may be just snuggling up to a roll of the blanket close enough to get “the feeling” but that is still masturbation.
 
Things get dicier with seniors. Most of us over 60 grew up with a pile of bad teaching about masturbation. “It will make you go blind” Or crazy (Depending on your parents) “It is prohibited in the bible.” Or, in the Quran. “Nice girls don’t.” Girls are not supposed to want sex. “Masturbation wastes precious seed.” (That’s from a common misreading of the Onan story in the bible.) 
 
It isn’t that men don’t feel guilt. They do and therefore they either hide that they are masturbating or they go the other way and brag about it—with their friends.
 
An amazing ultrasound I saw from a client was their baby, a couple weeks before birth, holding his penis. Now I don’t know that he was masturbating, but it sure looked like it. And post-natally this is one of the first things that babies begin to do. Remember the say, “If it feels good, do it.” Babies get that.
 
Overcoming all the guilt, and shame is a difficult task. This is why sex therapy and counseling is never a mechanical practice. It requires sensitivity and awareness that each person is different and carries a different burden.
 
Often older folk come for counseling because “We’re just not having enough sex.” (Him usually) “He wants it all the time.” “At our age doesn’t sex ever go away?” (Her usually)
 
When I press them, something is preventing them from expressing their love sexually. He is experiencing shame over a softer or non-existent erection, or no longer can get into the positions they have always used. She has pain in the positions that they used to find pleasurable. Either, or both have a bad back. Her vagina is dry and not secreting enough lubrication or a prolapsed uterus. Or maybe she is experiencing vaginismus. 
 
Assuming no medical problems, what can we do. There are two things and they are both spelled MASTURBATION. First, and this applies equally to singles who are without partners, if you are not masturbating then you would well begin. Spell the word as “Loving yourself”.
 
The second prescription is “Masturbate each other.” Actually, there is a fairly standard procedure I prescribe to many of the couples who come to see me. It is called “Sensate Focus.” Sensate focus lets one partner just lie there and accept the pleasuring that the other can do. Just noting what feels good. No expectation of intercourse; giving feedback when and where the pleasuring is especially good. (No criticism where it does not—but also letting the other know if anything is actually painful.)
 
Mutual masturbation is a wonderful thing for couples, either as an alternative activity or when their level of desire is different. If they have just come in from a trip. Both are just too tired to “do it” but they do feel their love for each other with whom they have spent days in travel. Gentle mutual masturbation is a great alternative. If one partner is especially wanting sex and the other is not in that mental state, masturbation is a great option. Not every encounter has to be equal. She wants sex, but he is not in that “head space”, no problem. He can show his love by pleasuring her all the way from kissing her breasts to giving a sensual massage to “going down on her,” or cunnilingus. 
 
Our parents, pastors, priests and imams (It is not in the Quran either.) were wrong. Not only is masturbation not sinful, it is very healthy and contributes to our physical and mental well-being. Babies seem to know this from birth.
 
What about seniors who are single, either by choice or by circumstance? That's a very important question. Watch for another blog article with an in-depth treatment of this issue.

Sex. It is More Important for Seniors than for Young People.

Not that sex is unimportant for younger folk. Not at all. But so much is written about sex for young people and so little about sex for Seniors, that the ideas get skewed just by the sheer volume.  There is still an ick factor when we speak of Seniors having sex. Even among Seniors themselves, there is an aversion to thoughts of sex. Many people, at some arbitrary age, make a decision to stop having sex.

Women are the largest group to abandon sex. That is partly, maybe mostly, because we were never taught about healthy sex when we were young. It was a taboo subject. If we did have sex education, it was designed to keep the girls from having sex with their boyfriend. Yes, sometimes they did see a pen and ink drawing of the female genitalia and occasionally those of the males, but the message was Keep Off. Of course, our teachers had been brought up that way too. I had a high school biology teacher (Let that sink in) who blushed to write the word “Penis” on the blackboard.

We will get to the message given to the boys in a moment. But for now, consider how this message which the girls got on a regular basis affected their lifelong sex lives. The message most often was, “Boys and men will always want sex. It is your job to fend them off, at least until they have made a firm commitment to marriage. Then, and only then, it is your job to fulfill this needs of your husband.  You will not enjoy it of course, it is gross and ugly and messy, but that is the way nature (God) has set up for procreation. Procreation is the only legitimate reason for sex. So if your husband or you happen to enjoy it, that is a secondary benefit factor.”

Boys got a different message. “Girls have this golden treasure that they deliberately hide. You are a searcher, an explorer, trying to convince/force/cajole every woman into allowing you to have sex with her. When you do, you will be giving her a wonderful gift.” The ancient idea, that the males carried the seed, which they plant in the woman is carried forward to this day by the use of the phrases like “I plowed her” “I planted her deep”. Women “beg for it”

I would like to say that things have changed, and in a few school districts, they have. The idea that sex is pleasurable for both men and women is sometimes being taught. Of course, the big change is that some schools are teaching about contraception which makes sex available for pleasure. But there is still a large swath of schools which still promote the abstinence until marriage rule/idea.

As we age, we often still carry the remnants of our early attitudes about sex. And these attitudes have disastrous consequences both for men and women. It is even worse for older people from strong religious backgrounds. Not all religion is anti-sex. In fact, some religious faiths celebrate sex.

Some religions see sex as spiritual as much as physical. We are joined by sex, to one another, and it a very real sense, we become one with each other without relinquishing our self-hood.

I will be writing much more about the spirituality of sex in later articles but for now, let’s just enumerate the three most important reasons for sex.

  • It is pleasurable. No one would argue against the reality that it is among the most pleasurable activities in which humans engage.

If I have to explain this, I’m dumbfounded. The main purpose of most sex is pleasure. The best, is pleasure for both parties.

  • It is immensely healthy. We know that people who have healthy sex lives live longer, happier lives.

There are research studies at medical schools like Harvard, Johns Hopkins, The University of Auckland and elsewhere.

  • It is or can be, intensely spiritual.

Judaism, Christianity, and many other religions acknowledge the depth spirituality of sex.

Happy Valentine Day. Make love to your lover/partner/wife/husband. Or make love to yourself.

Why

Why another website devoted to sex? There must be a thousand websites that have instructions for how to have sex, how to find a sex partner, how to lead up to the subject, what kind of sex toys are available. Why do we need another blog/website on this subject?

First. There really aren’t that many sex websites. It just seems so because we, as a society, have hidden the topic almost to the point that when we do find a book, an article, a website, we still treat it with more attention than it warrants. If we were really comfortable about sex, another website would be ho-hum. If you turned on the TV and found an advertisement for a new washing machine, you would look at it, consider that your current machine is doing an excellent job, maybe consider some of the new features, but then you would just change channels and move on to something more interesting. But if you see a new website about sex, you give it much more attention than a washing machine.

Second. Most of the websites are aimed at younger folk. In our culture, there is an ick factor for people over 50 or 60 having sex. We are really not comfortable that we came into the world as a result of our parents mating. Maybe you came into the world as a result of immaculate conception, but I don’t know anyone else who did. You’d think that we would have overcome all this weirdness, but not yet. Still we know that as seniors age, sex becomes an ever more important part of life.

Those websites which are oriented toward the “How to do it,” subject, struggle to support themselves. But at least those aimed at younger people benefit from the prejudice of the marketers at the sex aid stores.

Very few authors and websites sustain themselves on their ad revenue. A few develop a membership base with members contributing a few dollars.

Many years of providing relationship and sex counseling/therapy/education have taught me that only a very small portion of seniors actually understand their sexuality or know how to fulfill it. How many know that having a regular and frequent sex life improves mortality rates by 30%? Or that orgasms are a great way to exercise? We have only recently discovered that the importance for health of promoting a solid sex life.

The Joy of Senior Sex will explore all kinds of sex, sexuality, and relationship. We will publish the results of testing of sex aids like vibrators, dildos, and electro-sex. (I reject the term “sex toy” as these implements are very important. They should be—and will be here—called “sex aids.”)

This page will be moved into an “About” page as we have time to grow the site.

I want to acknowledge the inspiration I have had from my amazing colleague, Joan Price, the Guru of Senior Sex. Joan has her own blog which I highly recommend, Naked At OurAge.com. This is one place you can read Joan’s wisdom. Another is on Senior Planet and on Facebook. I also recommend her books, especially, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty. Buy it from your local independent book seller, or from Amazon.com.

I invite you to comment and make suggestions about how we can improve the utility of this site for yourself and those you love.