Erotic massage has an image problem. Too often the image it brings to mind is one of sleazy prostitution places masquerading as legitimate massage parlors.
But for many couples, erotic massage continues to be a private and loving experience; a gift that each gives the other.
Erotic massage is actually very simple. Nothing mysterious about it. If your repertoire includes skill in caress and gentle touching as part of your foreplay, you have the basics down.
Before you begin, have a supply of lubricant in a non-spill container. While baby oil or olive oil will do fine, if you think you may use either a condom or a latex/rubber based toy of any kind, oil will destroy it. It is probably better to use a water-based lubricant like Astroglide or Shibari. You will use more of it as it eventually dries up and more must be added, but it is safer for latex, rubber, or even silicon toys. (There was concern at one time that using oil to massage the vulva would encourage infection. That has been shown to be wrong.)
Begin with a sensual massage to wake up all the nerve endings in the body. This gets the massagee’s nerves to wake up and begin to be more alert. As you continue, just change your strokes to caresses. Be aware of any signals you get from your partner.
No suggestions I make here are cast in concrete. Erotic sensations are very individual. One man has sensitive breast nipples, but another feels nothing. One woman has strong erotic sensations at the back of her knee, another almost cums from having her earlobe nibbled. You need to discover your partner’s peculiarities and preferences.
So here are some starting points.
Begin with light touches of areas that are not immediately thought as sexual.
Caress your partner’s neck, shoulders, trunk.
Be very patient and gradually move to massaging around the breasts without touching the area near the nipples.
Move away and massage her waste. Nibble her ear. Kiss her forehead.
If you have begun with your partner face down, caress the buttocks, kissing it and the area near her or his anus. Those are frequently very erotic on both men and women.
If you have been massaging the front of his body, it may be time to go back to the breasts and gently kiss and nibble the nipples and the areolae. Many men are not aware of just how much they can enjoy having their breasts caressed and massaged.
For women, less often for men, the back of the knee is frequently a very erotic location.
Of course you can gradually caress the inside of the thigh, moving up from the knee toward the groin.
Another area to explore is the perineum, that area between the scrotum and the anus. If you are massaging a woman, it will be the area just below the labia extending to the anus.
If you have been working on your partner’s back for some period, it will be time for her to turn over and work on the front. For some women and for some men, the belly button is an object of erotic sensitivity.
All this is only a small part of the options available. Each person is somewhat unique. Half the fun of erotic massage is exploring your partner’s body. But the other half is telling of your love through touch.
There is no “correct” amount of time. Spend 15-30-45 minutes. Then begin to gradually approach the highly sensitive inner thighs and finally the genitals. By this time, your partner’s genitals will probably already be highly aroused.
If your partner is a man, don’t lunge for the “gearshift.” Spend a little time caressing and kissing his scrotum, his balls. The back side of the scrotum is usually very sensitive and filled with pleasure. But be aware of his level of arousal. You likely do not want to have him cum before you are both ready. So let him tell you when to back off.
Here’s a trick that you can use to extend his, and your, pleasure. We call it the squeeze technique.
Place your thumb and fingers directly below the glans (The rounded part of the tip of the penis). Then squeeze the penis firmly between your forefinger and your thumb. Hold the squeeze for about 30 seconds. This almost always will stop the ejaculation reflex. It may also stop the erection. Both of these will allow for more pleasuring, kissing, rubbing, which will bring back the erection, of course. The squeeze can be repeated several times depending on the man. This won’t work forever. With continued pleasuring, eventually, ejaculation becomes inevitable. But you can choose what to do at that point, either just enjoy watching or assume some position for penetration or any other option. (People have become very inventive.)
It is very different if the massagee is a woman. Some, but not all men can have multiple orgasms without ejaculation with training, but most don’t. This means that there may be a lengthy “refractive” period before they are able to have another erection or ejaculation.
Women are more frequently multi-orgasmic.
If you are giving erotic massage to a woman, be very gentle. Spend some time caressing the labia. You will need to follow her direction if you want the rest to be pleasurable for her. Women differ greatly in the amount of pressure they enjoy on their clitoris. Some want no touch of the clitoris but only of the clitoral hood. Similarly, women differ on the pleasure they get from touching other areas within the inner labia. Some welcome a lubricated finger inside the vagina, but some find that intrusive until final arousal. One difference and only your partner can tell you, is whether they have a g-spot. It depends on the position of the clitoral bulbs; their proximity to the vagina. So you cannot make assumptions.
Since women can often have multiple orgasms, there is a fine line between getting most pleasure and the touch becoming even painful. Just as men need to inform their partner of approaching ejaculatory inevitability, so too a woman needs to communicate about the pleasure level and when it may become “too much.” If you are not sensitive to other signs, it would be well to establish some kind of hand signals.
Finally, remember that there is no absolute goal. Erotic massage may lead to intercourse or it may not. It is to be enjoyed for its own sensations. Watching your beloved simply revel in the pleasure of the love you have shown is its own reward.