The Pleasures of Erotic Hypnosis

“I want to spice up our sex life. It has taken a beating in the last few years as we’ve grown older.”  “Someone told me about erotic hypnosis and I’ve seen ads on the Internet for DVDs that give you an erotic hypnosis experience.” “Let’s invest in some DVDs. We deserve it.”

“But wait a moment. I just did a Google search and there are 539,000 sites offering erotic hypnosis. And the prices. . .  all the way from $29.95 to $1495.00. Ya gotta be kidding.” How can we know which are legitimate? Clearly some are not.” “And the descriptions vary wildly. In fact, let’s think about this. What is erotic hypnosis?  In fact, what is hypnosis?  Are we going to be controlling each other?” “I went to see a Las Vegas show a few years ago and there was a hypnotist on stage who got a woman to strip to her underwear. It looked like he could even have gone further. Are we trying to do this to each other?” “I love you and I want good sex with you, but I want it because you want it. I don’t want to force or control you.”

Not to worry. Hypnosis can be used to control people, but only up to a point. That Las Vegas show hypnotist had to be using a shill, someone he set up before the show and who would be willing to pretend to be hypnotized. How do I know that? Because you cannot be controlled with hypnosis to do things that violate your own standards and morals. (It might be possible for the hypnotist to convince her that she in her bedroom, about to take a shower. But even then, there’s a very high likelihood that her conscious mind would pop in and take her out of hypnosis.)

Light hypnosis is very easy to learn and do. It doesn’t need all those training DVDs or pre-written hypnosis scripts that cost so much. We hypnotize ourselves regularly. When you lose yourself reading a novel and can’t hear the noise from the next apartment, you have hypnotized yourself.

Now just imagine that you are with your partner. You speak to him in a soft, gentle voice, imploring him to lie quietly on the bed, and just pay attention to your soothing voice, let all other thoughts wander away. You tell him to relax completely. Maybe you start with verbally relaxing his feet and then work your way up to his neck and face.

When he is relaxed, you begin to share with him, what you really want him to do with you. Or, depending on your level of sex talk, you tell him how much you admire his cock. You mention how you love to lick his nipples. (And whatever other parts of his body you know from experience are erogenous.)

Perhaps eventually you go back to talking about his penis, and even if he has erectile difficulty often, you tell him how want to take it into your mouth and lick it all over. You describe what that feels like to you and what it feels like to him. Now you tell that you are anticipating his fingers on your breasts, or on your clitoris; maybe even describe the feeling for each of you of his fingers inside your vagina stimulating your g-spot. Perhaps you describe the feelings along the way as he proceeds to pleasure you.

Eventually, you tell him that he will see, and hear as you have one or multiple, orgasms. Describe what he will experience. How delightful that will be as much for him as for you.

Now, you can begin actually touching and feeling and acting out all the behaviors in the hypnosis. You will likely discover a much greater responsiveness. The more you practice this with him, the more effect it will have.

One key to success is to write a script. It must be positive and include suggestions about actions that the two of you enjoy and consequent emotions. On the other hand it would best not include negatives, prohibitions, and instructions to not do this or not do that or not imagine certain things. The pre-conscious mind tends to take all suggestions and translate them into actions, most often ignoring the negative command. The specifics of this “hypnosis script” will vary, depending on your relationship and what you have learned to do with each other.

Of course the whole thing will also work in reverse with him being the hypnotist and the script being more about you. Give him lots of hints, especially if he does not already know all your erogenous areas. It does not diminish the value if you write the scripts together, but in actual delivery, it is best to alternate rolls, hypnotist and hypnotized.

Does all this sound like “erotic hypnosis?” Well, it may well not be all that hype has led you to expect. But it is hypnosis if the other person is willing to let go. The conscious mind will subdue itself and allow the pre-consious full reign. On the other hand, if either of you is resistant then the conscious mind will try to stay in charge and not cede control.

If you meditate, especially mindfulness meditation, you might think this is meditation. There are similarities. As a meditator myself, I see hypnosis of this kind as existing on a spectrum from full conscious awareness through meditation, then this light hypnosis and on to depth regressive hypnotherapy. Deep hypnosis and therapy requires extensive training and leads to degrees in mental and emotional health doctorates with years of internship.

This is light erotic hypnosis and a good place to start. I will follow up later with more and deeper erotic hypnosis for those who choose to experiment with this.

This is not one of those commercial products that promises instant control and instant ecstatic orgasms. You may decide, after giving it several satisfactory tries, that you want to spend the money and buy a $995 DVD set. I’ve looked at many of these products and been unimpressed.

*If you want to know more about hypnosis, The Idiot’s Guide to Hypnosis is a pretty good book. I am not fond of the title because neither you nor I are idiots, but the content is pretty good. (Not so, The Dummies Book on Self Hypnosis.)

Masturbation!  There. I said it!

Probably no other common activity carries such a burden of shame and guilt as masturbation. I said “common” activity because it is reliably estimated that 90-95% of men masturbate at least a few times a month. Most do it weekly to daily. The estimates for women are lower, but even for women it is over 50%. It may be just snuggling up to a roll of the blanket close enough to get “the feeling” but that is still masturbation.
 
Things get dicier with seniors. Most of us over 60 grew up with a pile of bad teaching about masturbation. “It will make you go blind” Or crazy (Depending on your parents) “It is prohibited in the bible.” Or, in the Quran. “Nice girls don’t.” Girls are not supposed to want sex. “Masturbation wastes precious seed.” (That’s from a common misreading of the Onan story in the bible.) 
 
It isn’t that men don’t feel guilt. They do and therefore they either hide that they are masturbating or they go the other way and brag about it—with their friends.
 
An amazing ultrasound I saw from a client was their baby, a couple weeks before birth, holding his penis. Now I don’t know that he was masturbating, but it sure looked like it. And post-natally this is one of the first things that babies begin to do. Remember the say, “If it feels good, do it.” Babies get that.
 
Overcoming all the guilt, and shame is a difficult task. This is why sex therapy and counseling is never a mechanical practice. It requires sensitivity and awareness that each person is different and carries a different burden.
 
Often older folk come for counseling because “We’re just not having enough sex.” (Him usually) “He wants it all the time.” “At our age doesn’t sex ever go away?” (Her usually)
 
When I press them, something is preventing them from expressing their love sexually. He is experiencing shame over a softer or non-existent erection, or no longer can get into the positions they have always used. She has pain in the positions that they used to find pleasurable. Either, or both have a bad back. Her vagina is dry and not secreting enough lubrication or a prolapsed uterus. Or maybe she is experiencing vaginismus. 
 
Assuming no medical problems, what can we do. There are two things and they are both spelled MASTURBATION. First, and this applies equally to singles who are without partners, if you are not masturbating then you would well begin. Spell the word as “Loving yourself”.
 
The second prescription is “Masturbate each other.” Actually, there is a fairly standard procedure I prescribe to many of the couples who come to see me. It is called “Sensate Focus.” Sensate focus lets one partner just lie there and accept the pleasuring that the other can do. Just noting what feels good. No expectation of intercourse; giving feedback when and where the pleasuring is especially good. (No criticism where it does not—but also letting the other know if anything is actually painful.)
 
Mutual masturbation is a wonderful thing for couples, either as an alternative activity or when their level of desire is different. If they have just come in from a trip. Both are just too tired to “do it” but they do feel their love for each other with whom they have spent days in travel. Gentle mutual masturbation is a great alternative. If one partner is especially wanting sex and the other is not in that mental state, masturbation is a great option. Not every encounter has to be equal. She wants sex, but he is not in that “head space”, no problem. He can show his love by pleasuring her all the way from kissing her breasts to giving a sensual massage to “going down on her,” or cunnilingus. 
 
Our parents, pastors, priests and imams (It is not in the Quran either.) were wrong. Not only is masturbation not sinful, it is very healthy and contributes to our physical and mental well-being. Babies seem to know this from birth.
 
What about seniors who are single, either by choice or by circumstance? That's a very important question. Watch for another blog article with an in-depth treatment of this issue.

Sex. It is More Important for Seniors than for Young People.

Not that sex is unimportant for younger folk. Not at all. But so much is written about sex for young people and so little about sex for Seniors, that the ideas get skewed just by the sheer volume.  There is still an ick factor when we speak of Seniors having sex. Even among Seniors themselves, there is an aversion to thoughts of sex. Many people, at some arbitrary age, make a decision to stop having sex.

Women are the largest group to abandon sex. That is partly, maybe mostly, because we were never taught about healthy sex when we were young. It was a taboo subject. If we did have sex education, it was designed to keep the girls from having sex with their boyfriend. Yes, sometimes they did see a pen and ink drawing of the female genitalia and occasionally those of the males, but the message was Keep Off. Of course, our teachers had been brought up that way too. I had a high school biology teacher (Let that sink in) who blushed to write the word “Penis” on the blackboard.

We will get to the message given to the boys in a moment. But for now, consider how this message which the girls got on a regular basis affected their lifelong sex lives. The message most often was, “Boys and men will always want sex. It is your job to fend them off, at least until they have made a firm commitment to marriage. Then, and only then, it is your job to fulfill this needs of your husband.  You will not enjoy it of course, it is gross and ugly and messy, but that is the way nature (God) has set up for procreation. Procreation is the only legitimate reason for sex. So if your husband or you happen to enjoy it, that is a secondary benefit factor.”

Boys got a different message. “Girls have this golden treasure that they deliberately hide. You are a searcher, an explorer, trying to convince/force/cajole every woman into allowing you to have sex with her. When you do, you will be giving her a wonderful gift.” The ancient idea, that the males carried the seed, which they plant in the woman is carried forward to this day by the use of the phrases like “I plowed her” “I planted her deep”. Women “beg for it”

I would like to say that things have changed, and in a few school districts, they have. The idea that sex is pleasurable for both men and women is sometimes being taught. Of course, the big change is that some schools are teaching about contraception which makes sex available for pleasure. But there is still a large swath of schools which still promote the abstinence until marriage rule/idea.

As we age, we often still carry the remnants of our early attitudes about sex. And these attitudes have disastrous consequences both for men and women. It is even worse for older people from strong religious backgrounds. Not all religion is anti-sex. In fact, some religious faiths celebrate sex.

Some religions see sex as spiritual as much as physical. We are joined by sex, to one another, and it a very real sense, we become one with each other without relinquishing our self-hood.

I will be writing much more about the spirituality of sex in later articles but for now, let’s just enumerate the three most important reasons for sex.

  • It is pleasurable. No one would argue against the reality that it is among the most pleasurable activities in which humans engage.

If I have to explain this, I’m dumbfounded. The main purpose of most sex is pleasure. The best, is pleasure for both parties.

  • It is immensely healthy. We know that people who have healthy sex lives live longer, happier lives.

There are research studies at medical schools like Harvard, Johns Hopkins, The University of Auckland and elsewhere.

  • It is or can be, intensely spiritual.

Judaism, Christianity, and many other religions acknowledge the depth spirituality of sex.

Happy Valentine Day. Make love to your lover/partner/wife/husband. Or make love to yourself.

Why

Why another website devoted to sex? There must be a thousand websites that have instructions for how to have sex, how to find a sex partner, how to lead up to the subject, what kind of sex toys are available. Why do we need another blog/website on this subject?

First. There really aren’t that many sex websites. It just seems so because we, as a society, have hidden the topic almost to the point that when we do find a book, an article, a website, we still treat it with more attention than it warrants. If we were really comfortable about sex, another website would be ho-hum. If you turned on the TV and found an advertisement for a new washing machine, you would look at it, consider that your current machine is doing an excellent job, maybe consider some of the new features, but then you would just change channels and move on to something more interesting. But if you see a new website about sex, you give it much more attention than a washing machine.

Second. Most of the websites are aimed at younger folk. In our culture, there is an ick factor for people over 50 or 60 having sex. We are really not comfortable that we came into the world as a result of our parents mating. Maybe you came into the world as a result of immaculate conception, but I don’t know anyone else who did. You’d think that we would have overcome all this weirdness, but not yet. Still we know that as seniors age, sex becomes an ever more important part of life.

Those websites which are oriented toward the “How to do it,” subject, struggle to support themselves. But at least those aimed at younger people benefit from the prejudice of the marketers at the sex aid stores.

Very few authors and websites sustain themselves on their ad revenue. A few develop a membership base with members contributing a few dollars.

Many years of providing relationship and sex counseling/therapy/education have taught me that only a very small portion of seniors actually understand their sexuality or know how to fulfill it. How many know that having a regular and frequent sex life improves mortality rates by 30%? Or that orgasms are a great way to exercise? We have only recently discovered that the importance for health of promoting a solid sex life.

The Joy of Senior Sex will explore all kinds of sex, sexuality, and relationship. We will publish the results of testing of sex aids like vibrators, dildos, and electro-sex. (I reject the term “sex toy” as these implements are very important. They should be—and will be here—called “sex aids.”)

This page will be moved into an “About” page as we have time to grow the site.

I want to acknowledge the inspiration I have had from my amazing colleague, Joan Price, the Guru of Senior Sex. Joan has her own blog which I highly recommend, Naked At OurAge.com. This is one place you can read Joan’s wisdom. Another is on Senior Planet and on Facebook. I also recommend her books, especially, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty. Buy it from your local independent book seller, or from Amazon.com.

I invite you to comment and make suggestions about how we can improve the utility of this site for yourself and those you love.