Erotic Massage

Erotic massage has an image problem. Too often the image it brings to mind is one of sleazy prostitution places masquerading as legitimate massage parlors.

But for many couples, erotic massage continues to be a private and loving experience; a gift that each gives the other.

Erotic massage is actually very simple. Nothing mysterious about it. If your repertoire includes skill in caress and gentle touching as part of your foreplay, you have the basics down.

Before you begin, have a supply of lubricant in a non-spill container. While baby oil or olive oil will do fine, if you think you may use either a condom or a latex/rubber based toy of any kind, oil will destroy it. It is probably better to use a water-based lubricant like Astroglide or Shibari. You will use more of it as it eventually dries up and more must be added, but it is safer for latex, rubber, or even silicon toys. (There was concern at one time that using oil to massage the vulva would encourage infection. That has been shown to be wrong.)

Begin with a sensual massage to wake up all the nerve endings in the body. This gets the massagee’s nerves to wake up and begin to be more alert. As you continue, just change your strokes to caresses. Be aware of any signals you get from your partner.

No suggestions I make here are cast in concrete. Erotic sensations are very individual. One man has sensitive breast nipples, but another feels nothing. One woman has strong erotic sensations at the back of her knee, another almost cums from having her earlobe nibbled. You need to discover your partner’s peculiarities and preferences.

So here are some starting points.

Begin with light touches of areas that are not immediately thought as sexual.

Caress your partner’s neck, shoulders, trunk.

Be very patient and gradually move to massaging around the breasts without touching the area near the nipples.

Move away and massage her waste. Nibble her ear. Kiss her forehead.

If you have begun with your partner face down, caress the buttocks, kissing it and the area near her or his anus. Those are frequently very erotic on both men and women.

If you have been massaging the front of his body, it may be time to go back to the breasts and gently kiss and nibble the nipples and the areolae. Many men are not aware of just how much they can enjoy having their breasts caressed and massaged.

For women, less often for men, the back of the knee is frequently a very erotic location.

Of course you can gradually caress the inside of the thigh, moving up from the knee toward the groin.

Another area to explore is the perineum, that area between the scrotum and the anus. If you are massaging a woman, it will be the area just below the labia extending to the anus.

If you have been working on your partner’s back for some period, it will be time for her to turn over and work on the front. For some women and for some men, the belly button is an object of erotic sensitivity.

All this is only a small part of the options available. Each person is somewhat unique. Half the fun of erotic massage is exploring your partner’s body. But the other half is telling of your love through touch.

There is no “correct” amount of time. Spend 15-30-45 minutes. Then begin to gradually approach the highly sensitive inner thighs and finally the genitals. By this time, your partner’s genitals will probably already be highly aroused.

If your partner is a man, don’t lunge for the “gearshift.” Spend a little time caressing and kissing his scrotum, his balls. The back side of the scrotum is usually very sensitive and filled with pleasure. But be aware of his level of arousal. You likely do not want to have him cum before you are both ready. So let him tell you when to back off.

Here’s a trick that you can use to extend his, and your, pleasure. We call it the squeeze technique.

Place your thumb and fingers directly below the glans (The rounded part of the tip of the penis). Then squeeze the penis firmly between your forefinger and your thumb. Hold the squeeze for about 30 seconds. This almost always will stop the ejaculation reflex. It may also stop the erection. Both of these will allow for more pleasuring, kissing, rubbing, which will bring back the erection, of course. The squeeze can be repeated several times depending on the man. This won’t work forever. With continued pleasuring, eventually, ejaculation becomes inevitable.  But you can choose what to do at that point, either just enjoy watching or assume some position for penetration or any other option. (People have become very inventive.)

It is very different if the massagee is a woman. Some, but not all men can have multiple orgasms without ejaculation with training, but most don’t. This means that there may be a lengthy “refractive” period before they are able to have another erection or ejaculation.

Women are more frequently multi-orgasmic.

If you are giving erotic massage to a woman, be very gentle. Spend some time caressing the labia. You will need to follow her direction if you want the rest to be pleasurable for her. Women differ greatly in the amount of pressure they enjoy on their clitoris. Some want no touch of the clitoris but only of the clitoral hood. Similarly, women differ on the pleasure they get from touching other areas within the inner labia. Some welcome a lubricated finger inside the vagina, but some find that intrusive until final arousal. One difference and only your partner can tell you, is whether they have a g-spot. It depends on the position of the clitoral bulbs; their proximity to the vagina. So you cannot make assumptions.

Since women can often have multiple orgasms, there is a fine line between getting most pleasure and the touch becoming even painful. Just as men need to inform their partner of approaching ejaculatory inevitability, so too a woman needs to communicate about the pleasure level and when it may become “too much.” If you are not sensitive to other signs, it would be well to establish some kind of hand signals.

Finally, remember that there is no absolute goal. Erotic massage may lead to intercourse or it may not. It is to be enjoyed for its own sensations. Watching your beloved simply revel in the pleasure of the love you have shown is its own reward.


Sensual Massage


The basic loving massage we’ve already explored and practiced is the core, but we can go to deeper levels of intimacy through massage. Sensual massage and erotic massage are the pathways to those deeper levels.

What does that mean? There are two kinds of sensation that we feel. There is exteroception, our sensation of our encounter with the outside-our-body world and interoception, our awareness of our insides. For example, if your partner is massaging your shoulder, you can feel her hand, its warmth and strength, the strokes. That is exteroception. But, at another level, you also feel your own muscles and nerve endings. That is interoception, also sometimes called proprioception.

Why is this important? It explains the mind-body connection which is so valuable. Very often, we store and trigger emotions through interoception. Nowhere is this awareness more important than in massage. For long years, some therapists would talk about storing emotions in our bodies. Nowhere more obvious than how when we are stressed or angry and we wind up with sore shoulder muscles. More traditional psychotherapists used to reject the notion, but as we have learned, there really is a phenomenon to which the somatic therapists were pointing.

Sensual massage goes beyond kneading muscles to sensitively touching our partner’s interoceptive nerves. As we simply hold another person, the partner, often outside direct awareness, finds comfort and perhaps joy in that touch. This is the basis for sensual massage.

We begin with regular massage, focused on exteroception, but we transition into gentle pressures, releasing good sensations, positive triggers of interoceptive nerves. Often there is a bonding in this. The massager and the massagee feel an enhanced sense of belonging to each other; not sexual, but just an awareness of a strong connection. This principle can be applied, for example, between a father and his child, between a mother and daughter or son. As the massage progresses, each feels closer to the other. (In fact, the best neo-natal medical practitioners are encouraging just this kind of bonding.)

Sometimes it is the child giving the massage. It is a way for the child to feel close and valued. In our society, we have become very sensitized to the possibility of incest; it is difficult to get beyond that fear, but given the value of sensual massage, we really would do well to carefully set aside any sense of sexuality and free ourselves to both give and receive sensual massage.

Of course, we normally, in sensual massage, avoid the most common erogenous areas, especially the genitals and, depending on the person, the breast nipples, both usually erogenous. (If there are repeated “accidents”, that may be a reason to terminate the massage and discuss the problem. There may be a deeper trust issue, a violation of the agreement; don’t sweep it under the proverbial rug.)

Even with a love partner, sex is not the purpose of sensual massage. We may get there and move into erotic massage with a partner, but it is not the focus, bonding is.

All sensual strokes are generally done with more gentleness than in basic loving massage. We are not trying to loosen muscles but to trigger the interoceptive nerve endings of the body. Stimulating the nerves in the abdomen or in the lower back takes a more focused touch. (There is s a whole interoceptive nervous pathway.)

Both the giver and receiver must clear their minds of other thinking and be gently aware of the receiver’s interoceptive system of nerves and sensations. That is why sensual massage is rarely done during a first massage. You need to have at least one or two previous massages to be ready to let go of thoughts. “What am I supposed to do besides lie here?” “Should I talk?” “It feels strange to have someone’s hands touching my body.” “What if I fart?” “What does she think of my flabby stomach?” “I can’t stop thinking sexual thoughts.” “What would my Momma say?”

It takes most people at least a couple experiences of massage with a partner to become relaxed enough to benefit from sensual massage.

Gently give and gently receive. Do not intentionally touch erogenous areas—and if you accidentally do, simply move on without discussing it and taking focus away from sensuality.

To sum up. Begin with basic loving massage. Then deep but gentle touch. Mentally focus on the interoceptive nerves.  Quiet the thoughts.

Basic Loving Massage

Learning to be a professional massage therapist requires many hours of training and practice, memorization of anatomy charts and much more. But doing massage for your lover or even for your child or friend need not really be that complicated. Every gentle massage stroke can help loosen muscles and relax the person’s body.

Naturally, the more you learn the better, but I’m troubled by the number of folk who are reluctant because they’ve been intimidated by the mystique of massage. Learning a couple of basic strokes can’t hurt, but even just a vigorous rubbing or kneading is a worthwhile start.

When we move into sensual and erotic massage, there are a few more things to learn. But even those are not complicated and they quickly make sense.

Those are the main three kinds of massage that lovers do. Basic loving massage is a great gift when your friend or loved one comes home from a hard day at work. Sensual massage is a next step when you want to be close and even get the tingle of loving touch, but you are not really, for whatever reason, ready to be downright sexual. Erotic massage doesn’t have to end with orgasm, but it very often does, for either or both persons.

Let’s start with basic massage. 

The only tools needed are massage oil and an oil proof blanket or sheet. It needs to be soft, but also not soak oil through and into whatever it is resting upon.  As to oil, there are many different oils that can be used. Various nut oils are available, olive oil works well, but one of the most common good oils is baby oil. It does not soak into the skin as much which is either good or bad depending on your desires, but it works well, a little goes a long way and it both smells and tastes good if accidently tasted.

Massage can be given on a massage table, on the floor, the bed or even on a kitchen/dining table if it is large enough. Lay some blankets on the table to give it some cushion. The person receiving the massage lies either face down or face up depending on the couple’s preferences. Because the most common need is to massage the shoulders, neck or lower back, I usually find myself massaging the back first. This is a good time to remove all jewelry including contact lenses. Also ascertain if there are any tender areas or any other physical ailments of which to be careful.

My experience is that people most frequently want their back massaged first. If the receiver has specific requests, those are the places to begin. You need not spend all your time there, but at least address your partner’s concerns. This is often the lower back, but also frequently shoulder muscles are sore. Gently but firmly feel for the muscle and knead it carefully. As you proceed you will discover just how much pressure your partner can handle.

If you already know some massage strokes, go ahead and use them as appropriate, but even just kneading the muscles will do a great deal to make your partner a happier person. Beginning with the neck and shoulders work gently down through the shoulders and the arms. Pay attention to the wrist and hands. There are 34 hard working muscles in each hand. You can’t grab each one but massaging between the bones of the metacarpals on both the front and the back is quite delightful.

Now follow down the back, kneading each muscle or muscle group. Be careful not to put undue pressure on the spine. In fact it is better to put no pressure directly on the spine, though on both sides should be fine. Continue with whatever stroke feels good to both of you until you get to the buttocks and hips. Continue the kneading or other stroke, but with more vigor. The muscles and fat of the buttock can stand the pressure and it will feel pleasurable.

Next are the legs. The front of the legs have some muscles, the back of the legs harbor more. The backs are especially susceptible to the dreaded charley horse, usually in the calf of the leg. Taking care of a charley horse is beyond this article, but you can get hints on WebMD, etc. Still a sore calf muscle will really benefit from a thorough kneading..

Finally, don’t forget the feet. There are more than 100 muscles and 26 bones in each foot. Like with the hands, you can’t really massage each muscle, but you can get the bigger ones and you can rub between the bones—gently.

After finishing your partner’s back, you can either ask them to turn over—or—I usually say, gently, that “You can lie there as long as you like or turn over whenever you feel ready.”

I am not going to do a full description of massaging the front of your partner’s body. It is not really all that different from the back with a few exceptions. First, treat the face with gentleness. All the edges of the face and jaw bones are places that feel good, but can easily feel bad if treated harshly. The front of the neck is quite vulnerable as well.

Another area of difference is that directly massaging the breasts is fine, but it may carry sexual overtones in our society. Still, if you wish to massage the muscles of the chest, called the pectoralis, they are behind the breasts in that area. They cannot be massaged without massaging the breasts—and then only a little.

Finally, and this is where massage professionals fall into faddism and mythology. Some massage professionals will tell you to massage the stomach and abdomen in a clockwise direction. Others have good reasons to recommend a counter-clockwise. The truth is it really doesn’t matter. You might hear that you can back up the colon if you go counter-clockwise, but you are not going to be putting that much pressure to actually back things up. Still, those whose teachers taught one way or the other make much of this.

Now you have the rudiments to give a very delightful and healing massage. Is it as good as a massage therapist? Of course not. But it is delightfully pleasant, relaxing to tired muscles and a way of saying “I love you,” without being deeply sensual or erotic. It is also the base from which to build sensual or erotic massage, which we will cover in the next articles.